Saturday, May 16, 2009

Moment of Grace

I was on a walk in the woods with Grace, commiserating in my bad mood. We had snuck out for a quick jaunt between rain showers. The sky was as gloomy as I felt. As we walked, the earthy pine smell infiltrated my soul and Gracie's bouncy spirit became contagious. Just then, a small break in the cloud cover allowed a stream of beautiful and much needed sunshine in, and in that same moment, a DMB song popped in to my head.

Lately I've been feeling low 
A remedy is what I'm seeking 
Take a taste of what's mellow* 
Come away to something better 
What I want is what I've not got 
But what I need is all around me 
Reaching searching never stop
-Jimi Thing

As a child I was raised Catholic. I was taught to pray to God every night. Kneeling next to my bed with my hand clasped, I'd asked this ominous being to bless all my loved ones, right down to the current favorite stuffed animal. I’d usually ask this great being for either guidance or plain help. Possibly with a fight with friends (which at time felt like a life or death situation) or an upcoming test (especially math, or for that year in 7th grade, English. That was the year a teacher told me I was an absolute horrid writer. And whatever I did to never let anyone read my writing. Because in her opinion, I was that bad.) After finishing my so-called praying I’d silently wait to hear back. Waiting for some deep booming voice to say "Stephanie . . . be nicer to your brother. Stop calling him fatty fatty two by four." Or "Stephanie . . . the answer you are seeking is . . .” Or “Stephanie . . . your English teacher doesn’t know shit.”

When I never heard back, I kind of, well, gave up on the whole trying to talk with God thing. I felt it was too one sided. Why didn’t he answer me?

As I've grown I have learned God doesn't answer in such direct pathways. I also learned, she has a bit of a sense of humor. But that is a story for another day. The sun is breaking through the clouds again. Time for Gracie and I to go get some exercise.

*Yeah, yeah, I know what your thinking. Another Dave Matthews quote?! Really, I wasn’t planning to quote DMB again. Seriously. However, I couldn’t help it for this time. I’m sorry.

**Ok so I know the normal lyric is “take a taste of what’s below” but in the version in my head, that is what I heard.


Paula said...

Steph, Your 7th grade English teacher is full of shit! You are a fabulous writer.

Aunt Paula

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean about waiting for a booming voice to talk to you while you pray! I love how you explained how God works, in other more subtle ways!! And I with Paula, your English teacher was an idiot! Keep smiling.

I love you!

Chitown Meg said...

Hey lady- Loved this one. It is interesting how moments catch you like the one you described.I hope you're doing alright. I'm in a flare-up- attached to the sucks! Weekend plans seem to be out the door already :( You gave me some inspiration in your post tho today! So thank you.

Aunt Deb and Family said...

Steph you have quite a lot to think about. People can give you their opinions, thoughts, or ideas but in the end it is your choice. Thanks for sharing what you are thinking about.
I imagine you are sharing so others going through it can see they are not alone. I don't imagine you are sharing because you want to hear what I think.
But... I think.........
You and Scott will make the right choice for you both. Know that I am always thinking of you. Everyday!
Love ya,
Aunt Deb