Thursday, May 7, 2009

Green-eyed Monster

Someone close to me just announced some wonderful news. And I am so extremely happy for them, but deep down in a dark corner of my heart that green-eyed monster reared his ugly head. We are at the age where it seems like everyone around us is expanding their families. Every time I turn around, I am faced with someone's perfect belly bump. I want nothing more then to have a baby of my own. Before I was diagnosed with FAP, we were "trying" and upon receiving the news of my health that "trying" was put on hold.

Recently we started the information search on Pre-genetic diagnosis (PGD) and in vitro fertilization. The PGD would give pretty good odds that our child would not inherit FAP (otherwise its 50/50). However, it is not a simple process. Nor is it cheap. It is a small fortune. It is tuition to a good college!

The other night I broke down in my first "it's not fair" pity party since last June. That inner child inside me whined "I waaaant a baby!" With the help of Scott and Gracie (and 1/4 a pan of double chocolate brownies*) my pity party was short lived. Scott and Gracie always manage to make me smile no matter how blue I might be feeling.

Scott and I have some tough decisions ahead of us. But for right now I need to remember to live in the now. Worrying and feeling sorry for myself won't change anything. It is what it is.

So for the two of you who just announced your exciting news, I am so very very happy for you. Honest.

*And I wonder why I weigh more now then I did pre-surgery.
**After a bit of debate, I decided to be completely honest with my feelings.  A lot of us will feel a little sting of jealousy when some one is getting something that would love to have.  It all just comes down to how you deal with the jealousy.  I am choosing to acknowledge it, and then send it packing.  I know this subject paints me in less then perfect life.  But like you I am human, none of us are perfect. 


Anonymous said...

Adopt? There are an awful lot of children out there that need good homes.

Newman's girl said...

Thank you for being so honest. So many people around me seem to be expecting and while I know now is not the right time for us, I feel the same twinges.

Delia said...

My husband and I have been trying for nearly a year and it is so hard to be happy for people when they announce their pregnancy. Since we have been trying I've known 10 people who have gotten pregnant. The pain gets a little easier with time, you become accustomed to it. I cling to hope that somehow someday I'll be a Mom.

Al said...

I couldn't have read this post at a more perfect moment. I just got off the phone with a dear friend, announcing the same exciting news. I'm ecstatic for her, but the green-eyed monster is right here too. I commend you for being honest with these feelings, doesn't paint you in any different light just shows that you are human. It would be weird if you didn't feel this way.

Although for different reasons, I also understand the research and cost of the coming decisions you and your husband have to make. It's hard and it's not fair.

Good for you for getting it out. And thank you for opening the door to hear that others feel the same way.

Anonymous said...

I had my son before I fully understood the ramifications of FAP and now am facing the choice to have my 7 year-old DNA tested this summer. I had really considered having and wanted another baby of my own (even though I have 2 wonderful step-daughters and adoped an older daughter), but decided not to roll the genetic dice again. I completely understand and you are in my prayers.

Christina said...

Do not feel guilty for being jealous. It is totally human and it is how you channel it that matters. I am sure that whatever path you take will lead you to happiness.

Lindsey Corbin said...

I LOVE the photo!! :) Gracie is getting so big!! good luck as you go through everything and know that you always have people sending good thoughts your way!


Becca said...

Jealousy is completely human and EVERYone has it, no matter what they want you to believe. On a daily basis I am continually jealous of something. Whether its the young 20 something chic traipsing down the street without a care in the world (while I brood over all my cancer death-sentences...) Or a good friend of mine's promotion at work.
It happens.
BBUUUTTT, not to be a naggy debbie downer, but in the realm of raising a family, I think its important to stand back and take stock of what exactly it is about "family" that you want. If you want a child b/c you want the chance to love and nurture and bring up a compassionate and contributing human in our society, who's to say it has to be your own genetic child? (and this next comment isn't necessarily a dig at you in particular, its something i've said on several occasions, even well before i learned i had FAP and all that entails) I feel like people's so called strong 'desire' to have their own genetic children is mostly self-centered and a bit narcissistic. B/c if you want to be a mother for all that being a mother involves (loving, caring, nurturing, teaching, providing, etc) than you'd be more than happy to jump at the chance to adopt. or foster.
In truth, some say that its too involved or expensive of a process to do something like adopt. However, I see it as almost a test. As in, if you really really really wanted to be a parent for those good altruistic reasons, than paying a price, or waiting for the process to finish, or jumping through hoops, would all seem like a small thing to gain the priviledge of raising a child who needs it.
of course most anyone can have a romp in bed and pop out a kid (sorry for the bluntness), but it takes alot of premeditated thought to delve into the perfectly acceptable alternative options.

nooowww, all that i just ranted about, and hear i am, perfectly okay with not being a mom. Cuz fact of the matter is, I make a rockin' "Cool Aunt" i get all the fun parts, and rarely any of the headaches! ;)

good luck chica

Chitown Meg said...

Hey you- It's ok....I'm experiencing weird feelings like that too- DONT TELL ANYONE! I've always felt I never wanted kids....I'm engaged now- and still feel confused about that! But there is something about people having their own children- especially all the people around me. I feel that everything happens for a reason- I have heart problems (heart surgery twice!) and am not supposed to have kids. I always thought I would be that person who'd adopt the Asian baby girl :) I'm thinking of you.

Jes Deaton said...

I love you! You are a strong and amazing woman!

Lauren said...

Just what I needed to read :) Thank you for your honesty. I have felt the same thing many times. I have FAP and a Jpouch. My husband and I are just beginning to save our money and wade through the process/research, etc. on PGD and In-Vitro. We're also considering using a surrogate because of my propensity for desmoids. I wish you all the best!

dojuma said...

I love the shot