Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Darlin' Do Not Fear

People have been asking me if I am scared.  Yes I am scared, but I am not scared of the surgery itself.  I completely trust my surgeon, Dr. Kim.  There are absolutely no qualms there.   So, what am I scared of you ask? 
  • I'm scared of finding out I'll have to have chemo.
  • Or finding out I have some form of colitis (which by the way the surgeon said he wasn't ruling out.  In a nutshell that means that I have an increased risk of the pouch failing and complications.) 
  • I am scared of the catheter and the NG tube (nasogastric tube, it is a tube that is passed through the nose down into the stomach to keep it empty).  I know what you're thinking, of everything I am about to go through those are what I'm scared of?! Yup, I guess I have an issue with tubes coming out of my body.  
  • The pain meds!  I tend to have weird reactions to all kinds of drugs.  I can't even imagine how I'll react to the pain meds.  
  • I am scared of being lonely in the hospital.  I know my parents will come visit me.  And I know Scott will be there as much as his work allows.  But still. 
  • And I am scared of loosing my colon.  (strange huh?) I guess I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it.  It hasn't been really good to me, and I am hoping that life its better with out it.  But I am still loosing an actual piece of me.  
On a whole, I am scared of the unknown.  But when it comes down to it isn't that what we are all scared of?  

Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
Cause it won't last, your worries will pass
All your troubles they don't stand a chance
And sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to know
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know. . . 
. . .If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to let it go
To help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
Cause it won't last,  your worries will pass
All your troubles they don't stand a chance
~Brett Dennen "Darling Do Not Fear"

2 comments:

UC Girl said...

I share your fears completely. Those are the things i'm afraid of, too: the catheter really freaks me out, the NG tube (I was trying not to think of that one), and then again losing a major organ ... i have the same love/hate relationship. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Steph:

Mimi and Pup are with you mind and spirit all the time. Pup may leave when he's on the golf course!! Pup is always reminding me that 98% of the things we worry about, never occur.

Love and Prayers

Mimi & Pup