Thursday, June 26, 2008

Honesty Sucks

Ok.  So I said I was going to be honest. . .  Just note it is very hard for me to be honest about my feelings.  It is just an issue I have. 

Today I am sad.  Sad and angry.  You know what is making this the hardest?  Having to go through all of this without Koda.  When ever I was down, she was there to cheer me up.  She had a talent for reading others moods and reacting accordingly.  If I was crying, she would come over and snuggle up to me.  Or, if she felt I needed a pick-me-up she would act silly or start going "woooo woooo" just to make me laugh.  She was great at helping to take your mind off of things.  If she felt you needed to take a break, she would bring her rope bone over and lay it on your lap.  Then, she would keep nudging you with her nose till you gave up and played with her. 

I find myself asking "why?" a lot.  Why did God have to take Koda? Why did she have to die then?  Why do I have to deal with all of this without her?  If only she was here now, this would be easier to deal with.   I was still grieving for her when all this
medical bullshit started.  I never knew I could miss a dog so much.  But I guess that is because she always was more than a pet to me.  She was my baby girl.  She was my best friend.  

Sorry for venting. It is odd, I feel kind of guilty about it.  It is like
 I'm letting everyone down.  That I am not being the strong person you think I am.  But, I said I'd be honest.  So there it is.    


Aunt Deb and Family said...

I can understand your feelings and all your questions. WHY? How I wish I could answer that question for you. But I just don't know. Loosing a pet is so hard. I could feel your pain reading this blog. I wish, oh how I wish I could find a way to comfort you. I hate to say that phrase that people say, but it is true. Your heart will heal and the pain will lighten. Maybe that concert, or some of it will be good for you. To spend some time doing something loud and busy will help your mind be blank for awhile. XO

Erin said...

Animals have an amazing way of helping us to releive stress and to make a bad day look better so it's not surprising that you're missing her when you need her so much. Keep her in your heart and you'll keep her with you.

I keep hearing in my had right now that cliche - you're never given more than you can handle. I belive it. No one can tell you why, unfortunately you have to accept it for what it is, and you will become a stronger and better person for it.

Everyone of us are here to help you should you need it. And I know I speak for us all - we'll do it in a hearbeat.

Love Always,

Anonymous said...

I am going to honest right now too, I wish I could call you right now but I dont want to wake you....I am sitting here crying as I read your blog. I honestly could not imagine losing one of my cats...I know exactly what you mean, they know what to do and how to do it to make you happy without even saying a word. They are the best. This is hitting me hard right now, I want to be with you and hug you and comfort you like Koda could have. Sorry for not being the strong supportor right now, but I though hey if Steph is going to be honest, I am too. This is a hard time and its not fun, I know that and I can feel that. But like Erin said somehow it will make you stronger. And like we talked about before Koda was put on this Earth for a reason. She saved you! And she is in Doggy heaven having a blast and still watching you. I love you Steph. Have a good night. Love, Jess

Christina said...

I am so sorry about your dog and I know that you gave her a good life and you should definitely take comfort in that. I'm sure that she is looking down on you and giving you strength.

Anonymous said...

"Healing I noticed a toy of yours the other day It hurt so that I had to look away I never could stand to move it I saw it again, though, just yesterday And it brought comfort my way I put it safely in my closet And remembered you, with a smile Thanks For All the Love I miss the little sounds you made That were only meant for me The droopy stares you shot my way Knowing no one else would see I smile when I think of you Peacefully resting up above Because I can hear you calling me Saying "Thanks for all the love" Homeward Bound Watching you grow was such a joy From the little ball I first brought home To the companion always by my side Amazed at the trust you gave me Comforted by the love we shared Looking around at your favorite places The hidden spaces I would not have known I realize those corners are the graces That has made my heart your home New Mourning I mourn for you when the days slow down When the sun begins to set and things get quiet I reflect on the time we spent slowing down Settling down, drifting, dozing, dreaming Side by side we slipped into another morning Now when the first day's light hits my face I know you've waken and are reaching down To say good morning, to help ease my mourning Because you are a light that will not fade Smile Again You're gone but not forever. I smile when I see pictures, remembering all the good times we spent together. I am strong; Even stronger, to speak the words of our memories to others. To smile, when I don't want to smile. To laugh is easier as days pass by. You're with me forever in my heart. A treasure deep within to steer me on. A precious gift that will not fade. You were more than my pet, my friend, companion, and my family."

love, nick

Keri said...

Gosh, you're not letting anyone down by still missing and mourning for Koda! You have every right to and there's nothing wrong with that at all. She wasn't just a pet. She was a very important part of your family. Its only right for you to be feeling this way. Don't apologize! We all understand.